


Voyeur In The Middle

by Miss_Black_Fox



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-05
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-28 06:39:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Black_Fox/pseuds/Miss_Black_Fox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard discovers that Joker has been using the video feeds from her helmet for a rather dirty reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Voyeur In The Middle

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a friend who's EDI always set decoys right in front of him during battle.

“Damnit, EDI!” Shepard yelled at the AI over the coms as, once again, her decoy spawned directly in front of her. It was cute the first time, but back then they weren't under fire from an Atlas and a small army of Cerberus troops. This was the seventh time, and Shepard was far from laughing.

“Sorry, Commander,” Was EDI's reply. Across the battlefield she was pinned down behind cover from the Atlas' rockets.

Shepard jumped through the synthetic decoy and rolled for cover, a rocket whizzing over her head and right into decoy-EDI, “Your distractions kinda defeat their purpose when you put them right in front of your teammates!” Shepard slipped out of cover long enough to hurt a fireball at the hulking machine; a storm of bullets blasted past where her head once was. Did Garrus ever have his problem? No, why was it just her?

“I had not expected you to move as you had,” EDI said simply. Somewhere between the two of them Garrus shouted something about a headshot. 

“I was behind cover for nearly a minute!” Shepard growled, heck maybe it was longer than that. There was no way this could be coincidence, “EDI, this joke isn't funny anymore!”

“This is no joke, Commander,” 

Shepard launched another fireball at the Atlas, swearing when another of EDI's decoys spawned right in her face, or, more specifically, EDI's holographic ass. 

“Goddammit, EDI!”

#

The moment they were aboard the shuttle and headed back to the Normandy Shepard tore off her helmet and hurled at the wall. The synthetic metal clanged loudly, leaving a small dent in metal of the shuttle wall before falling to the floor with a heavy thud. 

“Watch it!” Steve said in a reprimanding tone from the driver's seat. Shepard ignored him. She stared straight at EDI who watched her curiously.

“EDI, why the heck are you sending your decoys _right in front of me?_ ” With a growl Shepard paced the open floor between them, “It's not cute, it's not funny and it needs to stop. Now,”

EDI was quiet for a moment, her expression almost contemplative, “I am sorry Commander. It. . .” She paused uncharacteristically long for her. Shepard stared at EDI, realization hitting her like a ship flying at FTL speed. Was it possible? No, there was no way. Slowly, Shepard approached EDI, who would not make eye contact. 

“EDI. . .are you. . .embarrassed?”

The AI was quiet.

Shepard blinked, pure astonishment rolling off her. EDI was embarrassed! “EDI, it's okay,” She sputtered out, one hand running through her lose, red hair. Oh boy, I hope I didn't make a mess of this, Shepard thought and sat down next to EDI. She shot a glance at Garrus; he shrugged, “Look, EDI, just tell me why you're doing this,”

“Jeff asked me too,” EDI said after a moment, then elaborated as Shepard gave her a confused look, “He says he enjoys watching me in battle through your helmet's visuals. Though, in battle we are often separated so he suggested I put my decoys closer to you for him to see. I am sorry for ignoring your orders, but I liked being able to please him,”

Shepard said nothing, and looked from her, to her helmet, then to Garrus who looked like he was about to crack up laughing. Once they were back aboard the Normandy, Shepard was going to have a nice, long talk with Joker. 

#

It wasn't surprising that Shepard found Joker in his seat, eyes glued to the screen directly in front of him.

“Kinda busy at the moment, Commander. Talk later?” 

Shepard grabbed the top of his chair and forcefully spun it around. Joker winced as his side pressed into the arm of the chair, then sunk into his seat the moment he saw her steely glare.

“How about we talk now,” She said cooly, and placed her hands on the end of the chair's armrests. He wasn't going to limp his way out of this one.

“Uh, sure, I guess we can, if you don't mind the ship crashing,” He said, then chuckled nervously.

With a casual glance at the screens, nothing blinking or beeping urgently, she cast her hard glare back on him, “The _Normandy_ 's a tough girl. She can take a little neglect,” Shepard smiled pleasantly, throwing Joker completely off guard, “So I'm your porn camera, am I?”

Joker groaned, “It's not as bad as you think!”

“You ask EDI to show off her ass in battle so you can watch her through my helmet's video feeds? Never thought I'd be used like this for porn, Joker,”

He grimaced, “Okay, so maybe does sound bad, but uh, no harm no foul?”

“Far from it,” Shepard said and smiled once more, this time flashing her white teeth. At the sight of it Joker felt a cold spine roll down his back and to his toes, “I'll be needing EDI for a while, to work on a 'special project' of mine. So, no sexy co-pilot for you,”

With one last smile she stood, and casually walked out of the bridge. Joker gulped, spun his chair back around and hoped desperately that losing EDI for a short while was his only punishment.

#

“Upload completed,” EDI said over the Normandy's intercoms, “And the password lock you had asked for is in place,”

“Thank's EDI,” Shepard said and smiled to herself. Joker was in for a wonderful surprise the next time he tried to watch some of his, ah, personal videos, “And let me know when Joker discovers his 'surprise',”

“Will do, Shepard. Logging you out,”

#

As it turned out, she didn't need to wait long for Joker to discover his real punishment from her. His porn vids had been put into a single file with a lock on it, and no clue as to what the password is. The only vids he _did_ have access to were of male asses, both human and alien. 

The look on Joker's face when she walked into the bridge to give him a clue to the password was priceless.

“It has to do with asses,” She told him, a near giggle coming out with it. He was never going to guess “lick an ass pop”, but that was beside the point. EDI smiled from her own seat.

“This isn't cool,” Was all Joker said on the subject and for the next three days spent every spare minute figuring out the damn password. In the end EDI had to give it to him.


End file.
